| We will wear compassion, we will wear it on our chests, |
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I will love you even when you won't let me.
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| I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! |
[29 Nov 2009|04:36pm] |
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This empty feeling in my chest will not subside no matter what I distract myself with. Even sleeping it off doesn't work because I just end up dreaming about him. The worst part is waking up and remembering reality. Please, please, please just fast forward my life a few months. I was so looking forward to Christmas break, and now I just wish it would fucking hurry up and pass by. Anyone know a drug that causes a month long coma or hibernation?
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| Happy Thanksgiving! |
[26 Nov 2009|04:03pm] |
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The Scientist- Coldplay |
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Now more than ever, I am so thankful to have a loving and supportive family and group of friends. You guys mean more to me than you'll ever know. Thank you for being amazing.
I am also thankful for the once in a lifetime love I have with Fernando. I know how truly blessed I am to be given the chance to experience true love and all its wonders.
"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start"
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| WE'RE ENGAGED! <3 |
[06 Jun 2009|10:26pm] |
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Erasure- A Little Respect |
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Uh, so it just occurred to me that I never posted with the news of Fernando and I's engagement.... back in November when it happened lol. I'm not one for keeping up with lj/myspace/facebook too well, you all know that. But I still feel like a major life event like getting engaged should probably be honored with one of my rare postings... so here I am, 8 months later, to announce that me and ferny are fiances. All of you close friends already know that, haha, so I guess this is more for my personal documentation. I hope I'm not making anyone roll their eyes or think I'm trying to brag or rub anything in, I just realized I never posted about it and i think the occasion deserves that, and I, being a bride-to-be, deserve a little bit of this giddy-happy-talk-about-wedding-stuff time. :)
Anywho, so getting proposed to on the front of the ship on our last cruise was pretty unbelievable. He definitely caught me by surprise. I feel very lucky and blessed. The moment will always be vivid and unforgettable in my mind, and looking down on my left ring finger is a constant reminder of the love and memories Fernando and I have made and continue to share together. I was in Miami with friends Melissa and Nichole a few months ago, coming home from South Beach, and we passed the cruise ships all lined up by the docks. I soon realized the Norwegian Jewel was among those ships (the ship he proposed to me on) and I got really choked up. I started tearing and smiling to myself as I saw the bow of the ship pass by through the car window. I'm a big cry-baby! lol
So since that amazing event was about 8 months ago (November 23, 2008 to be exact), and we have been living together for almost a year now, I suppose some comments on how engaged life/ living together has been should be said, again for my own memoirs and for future reference of anyone reading who is near one or both of these stepping stones in life. This life of love is more than I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. It's simply spectacular, perfectly imperfect, exciting and relaxing, surprising and comforting, with a whole bunch of wonderful little bits in between. Ferny and I have certainly learned each other's bad/annoying habits, learned what is worthy of picking a fight over versus what isn't, learned that I'm the cook and he's the cleaner, learned that my OCD will not allow me to sleep unless our room/apartment is clean, even if that means moving furniture at 4 in the morning... lol. It's great. I wouldn't trade this for the world. We have also learned about our love for each other in so many news ways as it keeps growing deeper and stronger. We have learned how to be there for each other during different situations, whether it's needing to be held and wipe tears away after hearing of family problems, or rubbing backs after a long day at work, or just letting each other be and relaxing quietly for awhile to escape the stress of school (for me that means taking a warm bath and reading my twilight books, for him its shooting nazi zombies in his video games haha... the difference between girls and boys). We've discovered that tickling and laughing and being stupid is sometimes the best cure for any of the above. Okay enough of the gushy details. All that I'm meaning to say (and my best friends know how long my stories are) is that this experience has been beyond words so far and we're moving forward in our relationship each and every day. Even if some days are seemingly insignificant, just remember that they are all adding up to a wonderful thing called life, so try to appreciate every minute of it. The thrilling and the mundane parts. They balance us out. They keep us from going crazy. They keep us happy. I'm not sure when this turned into a full-fledged life lesson, but whatever. I can never seem to stop myself from rambling haha. If you've read this far anyways, I'm amazed. To wrap this up, there is no greater feeling than going to sleep next to such an amazing person, and waking up to their beauty in the glow of the morning light escaping from the window cracks. Taking a few seconds to absorb this reality each day is so important. Never forgetting how lucky I am and he is. There's something intoxicating and soothing about the warm fresh smell of our natural skin under the warm blankets. All of those little things we learn from getting to this point in our relationship is what counts the most. We're the love of each other's lives, and each other's very best friends. It's so surreal.
Well okay this entry was thoroughly lovey-dovey and probably more than any of you wanted to know, but I felt the need to finally express my thoughts on engagement. Goodnight friends :)
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| my only and everything, my soulmate. |
[16 Jul 2008|01:34am] |
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"I'm putting mirrors all along the walls of your room,
Just so I can surround myself with you You are beyond angels and adjectives,
Perfectly imperfect.
Heart made with elements
That clever men have not defined yet,
Imperfectly perfect. Your flaws are not flaws.
Your body is a book and each cell is a page I can't wait to read. You are beyond angels and adjectives,
Perfectly imperfect.
Heart made with elements
That clever men have not defined yet,
Imperfectly perfect. Oh, my darling, have faith in love, if nothing else."
Fernando and I have been together 2 years and 4 months now, and a month from today we move in together to enjoy college.
I will continue to cherish every day with him as my love and best friend, and will embrace this big stepping stone in our relationship with patience, excitement, and appreciation. I love being in love. <3
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| you're the one! |
[02 May 2008|02:21am] |
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alkaline trio |
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Whatever happened to that silly dream you had?
I want to make it real
I'd love to rub your back
Like a plane crash that never hits the ground
I fall in love with you
I'm nose over tail for you
Your voice like the sound of sirens to a house on fire
You're saving me.
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| you |
[02 May 2008|02:16am] |
Whatever happened to that silly dream you had?
I want to make it real
I'd love to rub your back
Like a plane crash that never hits the ground
I fall in love with you
I'm nose over tail for you
Your voice like the sound of sirens to a house on fire
You're saving me.
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| i know this sounds kind of polar compared to my last entry....but |
[03 Apr 2008|12:53am] |
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I know everything with Fernando and I is going to be okay. Better than okay. We have found true love in eachother, and being very aware of that, we would never be willing to let something this amazing and rare go bad. I feel so strong and sure about us, and trust the promises we've both made for our future together. I'm so in love with him, and I know he feels just as passionately about me :) Thank you God for allowing us to find our "one" so early in life, because I'm so thrilled thinking about the lifetime ahead of us. As "they" say, falling in love is the easy part... staying there is what takes some work... I understand this and feel that we constantly improve our relationship's strength through communication, understanding, and effort because we care so much and know there's not anyone else so perfect for us. No other "stoopid butts"! :)
My heart was made for your love Ferny. It always will be. <3
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| do you realize what is at stake? there's only one "stoopid butt" |
[01 Apr 2008|06:18pm] |
two weeks ago i was the happiest i could ever hope to be. Fernando and I celebrated our two year anniversary on March 17... the greatest two years of my life so far.
I don't know what happened from then to now but it's the scariest feeling ever.
I know Matchbook Romance is lame, but this song entered my head at the moment, and fuck... I wish I had no clue what they were talking about. I wish it didn't relate to how I feel at all.
"We made promises we couldn't keep
And every night we couldn't sleep...
I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time"
and all I can do now is pray to God that this next section will never apply to me. It can't. We said forever. We promised.
"I'll keep this as
A constant reminder
Of the nights I spent holding onto her
And rest assured I'm moving on
I miss you less, with each day you're gone (you're gone)"
I don't think I'd be strong enough to move on. I don't want to.
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
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| i love being in love. :D |
[05 Feb 2008|01:43am] |
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fernando came up this weekend, so it goes without saying that i had an amazing three days...
as much time as we spend together, i could always go for more. he's my best friend, and the love of my life. no matter what we are doing, i'm happy to be with him. :) and i know he loves me because he's willing to deal with nights of discomfort on my twin bed so we can sleep side by side... while tolerating my habit of stealing the sheets (sorry fern!) and snoring (although i don't recall being that bad this time). thank you for thinking i'm beautiful at 10 o'clock in the morning, and all the time! i'm so thankful for you stoopid! :D
oh, also... he officially asked me to prom, haha... good thing, since i already bought the dress.
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| i love fernando! |
[11 Jan 2008|01:50am] |
it would be pretty funny to have pickles on my car, wouldn't it ferny? :)
you make me lawlz. i love being the only one to know that part of you.
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| with every waking moment, love grows. |
[09 Oct 2007|12:45am] |
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cat stevens |
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how can i tell you, that i love you, i love you.
i long to tell you that i'm always thinking of you...
i'm always thinking of you.
but i can't think of right words to say.
<3
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| i love you more with every breath. |
[07 Oct 2007|03:17pm] |
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copeland |
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this past week was probably one of the times i've missed fernando the most...
so i was out on the dock enjoying the weather and doing some homework with my roomie, when i get a call from him. he said he might go surprise one of his friends, and then i turn my head to see the most beautiful boy walking my way.
i still can't believe he came. i'm so lucky. we're so lucky.
thank you for making my weekend ferny! :)
<3, yours forever.
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| nothing's gonna change my world. |
[19 Sep 2007|01:23pm] |
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sometimes i can't even believe the degradation of our culture's morals. it baffles me to see the types of things our media exposes for the general public. for example, i go online to check movie times for across the universe, and i'm bombarded with "the hottest new releases" which include "hilarious -- and gloriously profanity-laden -- clips" and polls for which recent raunchy rated-R film was liked most. its honestly just getting ridiculous. if people are into that, of course they have the right to look it up themselves, but why does it need to be flooding every tv screen/ computer screen when people like myself don't care to see it or for youngin's eyes and minds to be contaminated with? that's just the smallest, most innocent example comparitive to all the shit that's really out there. it's becoming too much.
whatever man, i do best to block those things out and remain happy knowing the people in my life are amazing. i know those things don't really affect me personally, it's just upsetting to think how nasty our world is getting. i'm a little worried for the future, but i'm sure there's millions more who share my views, and we will try to keep things as pure as we can.
heyyyyy on a positive note, across the universe is going to be awesomeeee! :)
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[19 Aug 2007|09:27pm] |
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dear and the headlights |
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"calling to say hi on your break.
in less than twenty words you make my whole damn day.
oh, i just love you. oh, i just love YOU! "
unfortunately, i will be without a phone until wednesday so those random hello's that i cherish so much won't be possible, making me feel a little unwanted. lol, damn t-mobile! but in reality i know that i'm needed, loved, and missed very much and that ultimately puts a big smile on my face :) i'm lucky to be where i am and have wonderful people in my life, and i'm going to try and not let such petty things bring me down!
classes begin bright and early tommorrow.
the hilarious times living with melissa have already begun :)
and sadly the time to read chemistry chapter 1 is now...
so hello, goodnight, and good luck to my friends at home, namely my little sister who is starting high school, ariana, kristin, and all you charter guys :)
and fernando, i love you more than anything, and i'm missing your butt already! <3 ...check your myspace messages!
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| "i need to get my shit straight" -sharmin |
[10 Apr 2007|03:32pm] |
"this is for myself, so you can disregard it."
-i'm not sure exactly when i became so lost in my thoughts, but it's taking a serious toll on my happiness and on the most important relationships in my life. i've never imagined that i could be so sad and upset about certain aspects of the world as i have been lately. me and ariana used to joke about kristin saying she "thought too much" and it was bad for her. I'm personally feeling that wrath of getting carried away in ugly thoughts lately. my mind goes from the littlest detail to complex thoughts about how fucked up people can be and how impure love has become. there are certain things i have a very hard time grasping my mind around. for instance, why do people betray their lovers in lusty affairs? why is it neccessary to have a bachelor party and have a naked slutty bimbo stripper flashing her body in front of you when you have a beautiful wife that loves you more than anything and has devoted her heart to you? i know the reason is to "see someone else for the last time"... but WHY is that all neccessary? why can't people be happily in love with their one true soul mate? (which i do believe i have found, thank God). the above mentioned are just a few things i can't comprehend/ i admit to be pretty close-minded about. if you followed my train of thought above you can see that i think in way too much detail about disturbing things that have nothing to do with my life specifically, have no affect on my personal love life, but i've let them deeply upset me. i'm realizing that i do this and thats part of the reason i'm here trying to get it out of my head because it does no good wondering around up there. if anyone has read this far and sort of feels where i'm coming from, please comment so i know i'm not alone in this and i'm not going crazy. there are so many other things going on in this twisted world, but for some reason i get the most caught up in tainted love situations. i guess its a good thing i'm only getting caught up in one subject rather than more or all of them (optimism!!!) because i'd probably be in the looney bin by now if i let everything else get to me. << that statement alone freaks me out. months ago, i would've never even thought such things about myself. i don't know when it started happening, but i really need it to go away. i do believe there is still a lot of hope for myself that i can put all of this behind me and get back to happier thoughts. it's just hard to deal with the fact that i'd like to believe i'm a really happy, nice person, and when i get carried away it turns me into a different person...this person that "hates" the world. i would never say or think something like that! the true ashley is really a great girl and had the normal college student stresses, but nothing more. and she was really happy. and i want that back. its a little weird how it sounded like i was talking as 2 different people there, but i really feel like that pessimistic personality is NOT ME! well i've sort of jumped around a lot in this entry, but i'm feeling a little bit more free now that its out. fernando has had to listen to all of the above and much more night after night. he's had to talk me out of that delirium and back into my happy self so many times lately. he's had to deal with me crying so many days lately that it doesn't even phase him much that i'm crying. and i don't blame him... it's become so casual. he's been there for me countless times and i can't thank him enough for that. he knows how much i need him and appreciate all he's doing for me. one major issue i've been having that i really need to get passed is the status of my friendships. i have 2 best friends that i've had since the atleast 9th grade, and a combination of things have drifted us very far apart lately. i'm not blaming any ONE of us. it's all of us. we're all busy. we all have a lot going on. but not seeing you guys for weekends in a row is killing me and also strongly affecting the happiness fernando and i have together. its all of our faults, i'm well aware. you're both working all the time, and when you're off there doesn't seem to be much time for ashley. and at the same time, i'm so hooked on seeing fernando the majority of my weekend, that i've lost the time for you guys as well. i'm sorry for that. i need you guys in my life, i hope you realize that. its like a domino of negative effects without you guys. well, one positive would be that i do get a ton of time with my ferny. but that is also whats causing some problems, because while he wants to be there for me, he needs some time with his friends. its hard for me to let him go off with them when i don't have anyone to go off with. its like a cycle, because he's trying to help me get through this, but the time he has to devote to me to keep me happy is preventing him from that neccessary friend time. and half of the time i'm with him i find myself getting easily annoyed from overanalyzing which leads to a big mess of me crying about all this same stuff to him and how much i want it to stop and i want to be all the way happy again... not just 75% if the time. so fernando, you know how sorry i am for everything you've had to put up with lately, i wish i could take it back, but since that isn't possible, i want to remind you how much i appreciate all of the time and love you're showing me through all of it. and ariana and kristin, i'm sorry i haven't been there, and i hope things will start looking up from this point on.
to-do list: (only, this is much more than that. this needs to be life-changing).
-i know trying to fix things like this take baby steps, but everytime i try to take them, my promises fall through within 2 or 3 days. that isn't acceptable anymore. i'm not going to lose this battle with myself, and i'm definitely not going to let the person i love more than anything have reason to lose hope in me. i need to try to at least a month stretch of happiness. hopefully by that point, the nasty over-thinking habit will be broken and i'll be back to "normal". let hope reign :)
-rekindle friendships
-be more understanding
-relax
-trust more and worry less
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| sick babies |
[06 Apr 2007|12:05am] |
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fall 2007 course schedule:
Mondays/Wednesdays
9:30-10:45am...intro to literature
11:00-12:15pm...statistical methods
2:00-4:15pm...marine systems
Tuesdays/Thursdays
9:30-10:45am...intro to business
11:00-12:15pm...general psychology
i wonder if i'm in way over my head? (comment with your opinion please)
+ i'm happy to have relieved a bit of stress by registering for classes.
+ + + + + + + + fernando slept over my dorm last night. nothing is better than falling asleep in his arms.
- - i've had an awful cold for the past 6 days.
+ + + rhythmic haven's 1st show tomorrow night!
- - - - - ferny's had a fever all day :(
+ sunday is easter :)
major + me and ferny have been dating for a year and almost month <3
+ the semester will be over in 3 weeks!!! and me, ferny, ari, krib, & sharmin will be in orlando celebrating my birthday!!
+ i'm trying to free myself of uneccessary anger & stress, and it's been doing me as well as those around me a lot of good the passed couple of days.
- - - i really need to be writing this 4 page essay that is due tomorrow by 3:00pm, but i can't get started.
+ i've found the boy i want to grow old with and he loves me tremendously! :D
+ i'm going to get some much-needed sleep RIGHT NOW!
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| dear fernando, |
[28 Feb 2007|03:03pm] |
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plain white tees |
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i may not know much, but i do know this:
you and i will last forever.
my heart is yours.
love always,
ashley <3
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| valentines day :) |
[15 Feb 2007|03:19am] |
every day is amazing because i am alive and i am in love.
today is particularly amazing because it marks a year of knowing fernando who is too wonderful for words.
last valentines day, he pointed to me and made hand gestures representing " i <3 you " and my life has been especially blessed with his love ever since :)
thank you to everyone who contributes to my happiness. [you know who you are]
i hope you all enjoyed your day :)
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[07 Feb 2007|11:52pm] |
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death cab for cutie |
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I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
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